joespizzablog

It’s been a rough year. Pizza consumption was considerably impacted by COVID, and there was a period of several months during which I was uncomfortable eating take-out. That fear gradually subsided, coincidentally, as my craving for pizza rose, and our first ventures into carry-out during the pandemic centered around something with minimal handling, easy packaging, and reheatability…pizza checked all the the boxes, and just happened to compliment the massive quantities of beer that were being consumed.

My 2020 Year in Review is pretty disappointing, but like a weird uncle awkwardly showing pictures of his family vacation to Saskatchewan, I’ll forge ahead and share some highlights.

[Not shown above: hangover]

[Note the metallic servingware indicative of elevated COVID-era fears that all food consumed needs to first be reheated to 425 degrees (and doused with alcohol…internally)]

[Note the difference between the 7 Stone deep dish and the Gusto deep dish…the former is considerably more greasy owing to the amount and location of cheese and meat, whereas the latter offers a noticeably cleaner/non-greasy/non-biliary colic-inducing deep dish experience.]

[Note most of my pictures are taken mid-consumption owing to manbearpig-like pizza craving. Also not shown: children strewn about the floor as I toss them to the side whilst devouring pizza.]

Probably my last 7 Stone for a while after discovering the sensual ways of the Ditka (said no one ever until now).

Not shown: the other pizza that was purchased alongside this delicious bare beauty, yet was refrigerated for an anticipated late-night binge (Can’t decide between a lobster roll and pizza? First rule of ToGo orders: why get 1 entree when you can get 2 at twice the price?)

This is a little unfair, I understand. This is a pizza blog, not a “how you can make something taste like pizza” blog. In all fairness to my wife, who made said hotdish, it was delicious good edible delicious, and I even had seconds, but like Linus said to Charlie Brown, “It’s not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little flavor love.”

This was the last pizza of 2020–an amazing pie I sometimes neglect to revisit. Capicola, Graziano’s Italian sausage, artichoke, mushrooms, and red onion, wood-fired on a delicious thin style crust, courtesy of Centro. Hands down one my favorites.

Overall it’s been a lackluster year on many fronts, and I didn’t consume anywhere near the amount of pizza I had intended ( “Jesus Christ…” –colon) but I strive to do better in 2021 and make it a year jam packed with an awe-inspiring array of pizza experiences ( “Yay. –colon)

Pizza!

This is not pizza, but it’s still a pie. It is, in fact, the sine qua non of pies, the best pie in entire world. I stake my reputation upon it. Though I will be the first to admit my street cred doesn’t stand for much in the pizza circles nowadays…I’ve lost my crusty pizza edge trying to lose some extra poundage gained during the last 6 mos of what appears to be a pandemic. Though early on I consumed an unhealthy (like at least weekly) quantity of Gusto pizza, primarily in the form of majority shareholder position of a large Spartacus…

cus!…the last few summer months have been spent trying to reverse the affects of said pizza. This peach pie, however, was a nice diversion from the healthy kick.

Recipe is straight from gramma, who got it from her mom, who probably got it from a long forgotten cookbook that likely provided a wicked recipe for pineapple upside down cake on the next page. The key is the meringue-like consistency of the crust, which is primarily saltine crackers, sugar, walnuts, egg whites (?), vanilla paste (??), basil (???), eye of newt (????)…I have no idea actually beyond the crackers, sugar and walnuts…I’ve never made it. But it’s best when left to congeal overnight and consumed at breakfast with a large cup of coffee. And then again at lunch. And ideally again after dinner, where your children will probably cry because you ate all the pie and barely left them scraps, but from which you can distract them with a cookie/toy/TV/money/verbal threat and be allowed to finish off theirs as well [kids aren’t very smart].

Anyway…while I don’t have much to show for myself for the last few months aside from stretch marks, I’m confident I can balance a work/pizza relationship in the upcoming fall months when the temperature drops, the consumption of beer increases, and we finally gain the ability to mask extra weight with numerous layers of clothes.

Fuck you 2020.

post script: I realize now that trying to read this while Gerard Butler visually screams “this is Sparta” on continuous loop before kicking you into a giant pit is a little distracting. I do not apologize for it but I acknowledge how annoying it is.

Apparently Pete is in the lead, followed closely by an angry crowd of Bernie people, then Warren, Biden, and whoever else tossed their hat in the ring. Does anyone really care?

The good news? Pizza is still awesome and will get my vote come November. #pizza2020

Eatery A merguez sausage with crispy shallots and a few pints of beer.

The novelty of scissors for divvying up your pie seems like it will be short lived, but I’m confident it will not taint the overall experience.

This one comes from Uncle Dan on a recent trip to Washington state, Bainbridge Island. Looks like a delicious wood-fired Neapolitan.

New digs down from Drake a block or so; great Za. The Works (a supreme) sans green peppers and con Canadian bacon… because obviously.

Served with some spaghetti (apparently what this drink is called)

The Twelve Days of Pizza.  Ahem…

“On the first day of pizza my true love gave to me…a sausage, mushroom and leek pizza from the Eatery A.” [1 3/4 thumbs up]

“On the second day of pizza my true love gave to me…a sausage pizza from The Plus.” [1/2 thumb up]

“On the third day of pizza my true love gave to me…a sausage and mushroom pizza from The Penny Bar at the Lismore.” [2 thumbs up]

“On the fourth day of pizza my true love gave to me…a sausage pizza from Sammy’s in Eau Claire.” [2 thumbs up + big smile]

“On the fifth day of pizza my true love gave to me………aaaanother sausage pizza from Sammy’s in Eau Claire.” [2 thumbs up +  big smile + lots of decusate]

“On the sixth day of pizza my true love gave to me…” And this is where the story ends for a number of reasons: 1.) my family is concerned about my pizza consumption; 2.) my flannel lined jeans are very tight; 3.) extreme hangover from NYE 2018 prompted reflection on life decisions.

Thank you for not joining me in 2018 whilst I chronicled my pizza exploits for my own titillation.

I look forward to eating more pizza in 2019 and spending another $100 on this groundbreaking and relevant blog.

Cheers.

My wife jokes correctly points out that if left to my devices, I’d eat pizza every day. Which isn’t entirely true as I’d throw some chicken strips in there (the good ones mind you), but it would more often than not involve a 425 degree oven. Consequently, on the rare occasion she is unavailable to cook a meal for the fam, I fall into my bad habits and my affair with “Jenny” is re-ignited [she’s a low-end gas Jenn-Air that is past her prime].

I deviated from my usual stroll through the pizza isle and rather than sticking with the tried and true, I took a hunger-induced chance with something that caught my eye…

Maybe the actual pizzeria can do it right. But the frozen version of this thing was a God awful bastard. This pizza was not a home run…it was in fact one of the worst frozen pizzas I’ve ever encountered….and trust me I’m not a Michelin-caliber critic of pizza, particularly when drinking, so it takes a lot to dissuade me from consuming something I worked so hard to bake at 425 for 12-15 minutes. This was Pizzaster 2018. It tasted more like this:

I’ve never in my entire life not at least eaten a “no thank you” slice/pizza…even if I’m completely annihilated and we’re talking rural Mexico gas-station pizza desperate…this was horrible.

The crust was like a matted aggregate of BK croissan’wich buns held together with the wood glue and failure.

Now I rarely judge a pizza by it’s ingredients list [unless said list includes cilantro] but holy Ghost of Christmas Past this makes even me nervous to consume:

 2520 calories, 192g carbs [after subtracting 12g for dietary fiber], 48g sat fat, 5640mg of sodium…Jesus I’d be better off eating a few pallets of McDonald’s chicken nuggets…or literally 5 or 6 BK croissan’wiches.

Needless to say, my brain got the better of this one [“Curse you! You may have won this battle but you’ll lose the war!” -stomach] and this shit went right to the garbage….after picking off a few cheesy lumps of pepperoni and sausage turdlets.

If there’s anything I hate in life more than cilantro, it’s the people that act as if there’s something wrong with me because I’d rather eat a cactus, a moldy Chicago dog doused in Tabasco and sprinkled with the ashes of incinerated mouse entrails, or any number of things that would cause a near-death dining experience.

Annoying person du jour: “Oh you don’t like cilantro? Seriously? It’s delicious! How can you not like it?! [proceeds to smother fish taco / salad / chili / Indian food / barbecue chicken pizza / et al  with cilantro and make smug “mmmm!” noises]

Me: [Rolls eyes, angrily picks as much cilantro out of dish as possible before giving up and throwing food in garbage, orders chicken fingers, curses under breath, gets hangry, drinks more alcohol on empty stomach, can’t drive home from restaurant, tries to anyway, gets pulled over for DUI, sees officer has “I love cilantro” lapel pin on and attempts to fight said officer, arrested and taken to jail, becomes bitch of big guy named Lenny and forced to ‘drop the soap’ in shower every day, smell of soap reminds self of cilantro, breaks down and cries for life being ruined over cilantro].

They say 10% of people have a genetic aversion to cilantro…if this is not evolution I’m not sure what is…considering dinosaurs probably ate cilantro, I’m on the right side of history and science here, folks…

[note: I did consume select parts of this purported “pizza”]